2atoms: Sir Alex welcome back to 2atoms...

AF: Aye. I see you've got my name right this time.

2atoms: Yes, anyway if we can get straight down to it. It seems from your comments to the press (Ferguson warns of 'feisty' final) that you're anticipating some trouble on Saturday?

AF: Oh aye, no. It's a cup game. You've got to expect a wee bit of rough and tumble.

2atoms: Granted, but Arsenal player Lauren seems to indicate that the Gunners have a different agenda (Lauren predicts 'clean' Cup final).

AF: Oh aye well he would say that wouldn't he. All them clean tackles and that. Let him play the way he wants and my team will play...

2atoms: Are you saying you're going to urge the Man Utd players to go in "studs up"?

AF: (Rubs purple nose. It swells. Alarmingly.) Oh aye. No. Aye. I mean it's a cup game. You've got to expect a wee bit of rough...

2atoms: ...and tumble, yes you said. And what about Wayne Rooney, is he going to curb his temper on the big occasion?

AF: What ya mean?

2atoms: I mean that the last encounter between the two teams saw Rooney clock up over 100 expletives, most of them directed at the referee.

AF: Deserve all they get.

2atoms: Could you expand on that a bit?

AF: These referees. they're always getting in the way. I'm trying to do ma job here. How am I supposed to win trophies when THEY DON'T GIVE US ANY PENALTIES ANY MORE?!

. . . s i l e n c e . . .

2atoms: Moving on.

AF: Aye.

2atoms: What do you make of Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho's differing approach to management and how that has translated into results?

AF: Fucking clown. With his coat and his fucking long hair. Portugese tosser. Send him round here, I said send him round here with his Chelsea fucking tractor and let him try and tell ma players how to fucking play!

2atoms: Funnily enough, rumour has it that your successor...

AF: Ma what?!

2atoms: Your successor, the next Manchester United manager...

AF: Let me tell you something sonny. I ain't got no fucking successor. This club is nothing without me. I am Manchester fucking United. I am Old Trafford. I am the Lizard King...

2atoms: Sir Alex, once again, thank you very much.

AF: Hic!

CUT!!!