It
Came Through My Letterbox.
Crap ads, terrible promotion, naff news...
Professor
Kedou
28th April 2005
It's been a while since anything truly gut-wrenchingly bad dropped through my letterbox - well, anything I'd want to admit to anyway. Now, I'd noticed adverts like this one clogging up the pages of a free magazine called Ms. London - an esteemed publication aimed at office bints based in our fair capital. No, don't ask why I was reading it - just be glad I was, because recently when this gaudy flyer was shoved through my portal it looked very familiar....
"Professor Kedou African Spiritual Healer" the heading proclaims. "The most important thing about clairvoyance is having a miraculous result for your problem." No mate, the most important thing about clairvoyance is that it's all a load of bollocks. I sincerely hope for "Professor" Kedou's customers' sake his powers are better than his grammar though.
"Born gifted with spiritual power. No matter what your problems are. I can help to solve them by using the OCCULT SCIENCES and the MOST POWERFUL SPELL." the missive continues. Sounds good, I certainly have a few problems the good Prof can help me with. Like firstly, I have no job. I wonder if he can help me there. Perhaps I could write the copy for his advertisements as he seems to employ a deranged orang-utan at the moment. Or, how about the fact that Arsenal failed to win the Premiership this season? Think old Kedders can help me (and of course Arsene Wenger) out on this one? Come to think of it, Chelsea have had some damn good luck this season, I wonder if a certain Mr. Mourinho has made use of his services already? No, these would obviously be small fry for a man of Professor Kedou's obvious talent. What we need are SERIOUS problems.
"If your loved one, Wife or Husband (again - Kedou's capitalisation, not mine) has walked out of your life, I can reunite you and give more Love and Fidelity between you forever." Really? That's a pretty strong claim Mr. K. So, if my beloved Nici decides to shack up with the milkman and says she's never coming back, I need fear not. Just a simple phone call to The Prof and he'll have it sorted faster than you can say Nigerian 419 Scam.
What I don't understand is this ridiculous Professor claim in the title. Professor my arse - he's got a photocopied, photoshopped piece of paper for 10 Nigerian Dollars from the People's University of Lagos (or somesuch). And probably can't even spell education.
The learned Kedou continues, "I can CURE people, Victims of EVIL for forces and WITCHCRAFT (Black Magic). So what you're saying is you can help people who have been victims of the same kind of crap you're offering? "You can see me again, for any other problems for Cancer and all health related problems." [all sic] See you again mate? See you again! You won't see me for dust you shambolic shaman you!
"Quick Results guaranteed 100% Pay total after results." Hmm a bold statement. Do you think he's ever got paid? The one question I have to ask the big K after all these claims of major psychic talent is why on earth doesn't he do something to help himself? You know like, predict the winner of the 2:30 at Doncaster? Or the winning lottery numbers? It's obvious isn't it? At the risk of a lawsuit and the wrath of a witch doctor I'm pulling no punches and calling you a liar "Professor" Kedou. So lord pity anyone foolish enough to visit your plush offices above the African Food Shop on Woolwich New Road.
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